If you’ve paid any attention to my personal Facebook feed (friends only, sorry), you can see my left ring finger is itching. Everybody is bae as far as I’m concerned, because, you know, prospects.

Things aren’t any different with Drake, because although I love me some Serena and actually knew her as a kid (#straightouttacompton), I was overjoyed when she said he’s just a friend. Then, when baby boy came through with Hotline Bling, I was all in.

Here’s what I noticed.

  1. Didn’t none of them girls look like me. While I’m happy that some thickums were represented (I am a devout plus-sized adherent) and although we can argue that it was the lighting in the scene of the call center, didn’t none of those girls look like me. By me, I mean well, me.
  2. Drake can’t dance, but his efforts were noble. There’s this thing that happens when you’re a girl who likes guy a lot. He can make a complete fool of himself, but you’ll find a way to be like, “Aw, but he’s so cute though.” This was me when my man was doing a  Bob Fosse-on-Broadway version of the stanky leg.
  3. The dancehall girl probably was the same one who choreographed Sean Paul’s Gimme The Light video. I don’t know who’s hot in dance since Big Les, JLo and the girl with the dookie braids on In Living Color rocked Doc Martens and knee pads, but ol’ girl (the girl that most closely resembles me, but who was in the shadows of low light and a baseball cap to protect her identity, I’m guessing) was getting it IN. She had me wanting to thunder clap and pon di river to some Elephant Man.
  4. The video could have easily had Kanye in it and we wouldn’t have known the difference. Art imitates life, and hot artists borrow from each other, says this article. Immediately, when I saw all-of-the-flashing-lights (insert audio from the appropriate Kanye tracks) I was like like, “Ye directing?” This video seems extra 808s and Heartbreakish. *Kanye shrugs*
  5. Was the AC on? Why is Drake wearing a hot, red, bubble goose? Hoodie too? Cosby sweater? My man must have been cold (or super hot because of the lighting on the set) because his get up was ultra Canadian wintery.
  6. 24-inch Brazilian hair was on sale. Lord knows I am the most natural hair non-obsessed person who ever blogged and produced events for those with natural hair. I love me a good press, perm (I have been SO tempted to resume my creamy crack addiction, but my kinky hair begs me to leave it be), and some bodacious, stupid-long weaves. Whoever was in charge of purchasing hair for this video obviously got a hold of a bulk deal because all them sisters hair was the length of two Subway $5 foot longs. P.S. They all has spinal issues too because that’s some sway-backness for real. Just kidding. I’m hating.
  7. Drakes head moves a lot. Like why all the head wobbles on non-head wobble dances? As attractive as a wobbly bearded-Drake can be, that was lowkey unsexy.
  8. Drakes pelvis moves a lot. So, yeah. That cancels out #7.
  9. All those people in a box made me feel claustrophobic. As appealing as dancing in a little box with Drake is, three other girls in a tiny little box dancing with Drake and I would make me feel kinda like an exhibit at a little watch-these-little-Drake-dancers sideshow.
  10. Drake’s eyebrows are on fleek. Men are grooming more than what they used to when 90’s hip hop ruled the world, but my dude eyebrows is making me visit my neighborhood nail lady for my $10 wax.

See for yourself here.

And for giggles…

Image still courtesy of Digg and Apple Music

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