Today, my roomie moved and while I knew the time would come and that it was cramped around these parts, I really felt sad. I’d complained and publicly wished for the day, but while I thought I’d be jumping for joy, I was immediately saddened by her departure.
This phenomenon proved to me a vital truth–you can get used to anything. I’d gotten used to living in tight quarters, playing musical chairs with the cars in the driveway, the sounds of bumping and happy chatter in the other room, even when it kept me up at night.
I complained and was the bonafide roomie from Hades, so she was happier to move than I was that she did. But what does this have to do with relationships, you may ask.
Really, relating to humans is an across the board kinda thing. In a romantic one, you may complain, argue, treat each other badly yet there is a discomfort if the other person isn’t there. Hence, the reason so many people hold on to bad situations. They got used to it being bad. It got comfortable.
This brought up a conversation I had a few weeks back. A friend told me about someone who only dates married men. The friend complained, saying that the woman isn’t happy and she just needs to stop. I offered, “She must be happy with it if she doesn’t stop.” My friend replied, “You can get used to anything. It doesn’t mean you’re happy with it. You just don’t know or choose to do something different.”
How true that must be. I never understood why people complained about jobs, weight, neighborhoods, cashflow–anything–without changing it. It seems situations get familiar and safe and down right comfortable.
For example, I complain about not dating, but today I made the proclamation that I like my life and I don’t want to change anything in it (except my cashflow). I’m really comfortable here in singledom and the thought of dating actually scares me.
But what about getting comfortable with extremely toxic situations. While toxicity isn’t joyful or pleasant in any way, could it become the norm so much that the thought of it being any other way or finally being treated well, for example, if that toxic person was no longer there, is a scary thing?
It’s like being in a little house, wanting to move to a bigger one, finally moving to the bigger house and then missing the small house. Is that what you’re dealing with?
Word of caution, these questions mostly are things I’m pondering and not meant to make you jump up and leave your boo in a mass exodus to challenge being comfortable with less than perfect relationships. In that case, no one would be together. However, if a situation is uberterrible, and of course that’s for you to determine, are you staying because the thought of being alone or with someone else uncomfortable? (Sidebar: Lundy Bancroft’s books on abuse offers more insight on why it may be unsafe to leave some situations so if your situation is extreme, I do caution that I’m no expert and offering an opinion and don’t know what’s best for YOU
.) Weigh what’s going on to see where you stand.
As for my roomie moving. I’m sure we’ll both be happier. We shall remain friends (being roommates with good friends can ruin things between them, argh). I’ll get comfortable with my discomfort that she’s moved and that all the bumps in the night from the boogie man can no longer be attributed to her. But hey, I can get used to it.