Interestingly enough, this is a blog about arts, crafts, and culture. However, because I’m going through a transition, I’m finding that I’d either not blog, or blog about what’s going on with me. Does that sound like a plan? I certainly hope so.
So, today, I feel melancholy because one of the best human experiences is to meet someone who you can connect with mentally, emotionally, and when appropriate, physically. On the flip, it sucks when that WiFi access to another person is dropped. Just like you scramble to adjust yourself with a literally wireless connection, losing the connection to someone who by all means makes you feel alive and like you’ve had a Eureka moment, you’ll find yourself scrambling to figure out what happened and how to fix it.
In my case, this person was a friend. The moment we met, years ago, there was a mutual attraction. Timing was wrong then, and years later, when trying to just feel each other out, it appeared, only temporarily and in my mind, I suppose, that the timing was right. He said some things and I said some things that currently have us not even in communication…and it hurts.
Why must something that seems so simple and something so wonderful be so fleeting. I’ve never been a person that thought of others as disposable. Even if someone graces my life temporarily, I always hold a place for them. My fear is that I hold no such place in the hearts of those I may have affected. Such is especially true in this instance.
I started making progress, staying busy to try to “forget” about the beauty of this mans soul. Unfortunately, at least for now I can’t. I feel dumb, humiliated, and almost hopeless about finding or being found by someone who seemed to fit. I tell myself, “Y’all weren’t even in a relationship.” However, my vulnerable heart felt like it was in a relationship. Perhaps it was just an imaginary, one-sided, crush situation, hence why I’ll refer to him as crush fellow.
Crush fellow, regardless of if he reciprocates any feelings I hold for him, is an amazing individual. He inspires me. He makes me want to be a better woman. He makes me want to listen intently to everything he says. I respect him and have admitted to myself that maybe what I was feeling was the sprouts of love. I don’t know, since it’s for naught.
I’m not making any progress here. I’ve been busy, so much so that I haven’t been sleeping. I’m cranky like I haven’t eaten in months. I’m literally worried sick about his well-being. Where is he? Is it another woman? Why does it feel like I was the only one feeling anything? Have I been stupid yet again?
This is a sad, pitiful existence. I want nothing more than to come out of this and into a happier, healthier experience. If by random chance crush fellow stumbles upon this, my message to him is, “Know that I respect your space, your needs for a life away from me, but respect my need to know you’re well and respect that I’m a person who loves openly and very deeply. I believe in releasing butterflies but know if you enter my life again, I will embrace you with an open heart and open arms.”